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Things To Remember on World Mental Health Day

I found out that today is World Mental Health Day. Hopefully, today we take the time to be more aware of all of the mental illnesses that are out there – from anxiety to depression to eating disorders to bipolar disorder. And, there’s so many more out there that – some that many of us don’t even know unless we have a DSM on hand.

I hope today everyone reading this lets go of judging someone based on behavior and focus more on being more understanding on what they are going through. There are so many of us that judge what’s on the surface, and often, this creates a world of hate versus love.

Additionally, I hope today serves is to help those realize that making mental health a priority is just as important as making the physical one a priority. How many of us tried to practice self-care, or tried to take a moment, only to be told that you don’t need those five minutes to recharge? How many of us talk negatively to ourselves? Or, how many of us have had others take over and tell us that by taking those few minutes for ourselves that we are lazy and being selfish?

I’ve had that happen. And, it sucks.

Everyone is going through something – a divorce, a death or a disorder. Many of us often are stressed by the balance of daily life. And, we decided to put our mental health last. Which kind of sucks if you ask me.

Additionally, it’s important to remember one other thing: there’s nothing wrong or shameful with dealing with a disorder or using medication for a boost in balance. Why are we ashamed about it in the first place? Honestly, I have no idea. Let’s remove the stigmas that we have for those who are suffering, and focus on giving them love and support.

We all can do that, right?

So, with that being said, let’s try to focus on ourselves and our mental health. World Mental Health Day for me means that putting your mental health first no matter what anyone tells you. It means focusing on taking a moment to do yoga, or to sleep in on Saturdays instead of rising up early to get everything crossed off of the to-do list. It means talking to yourself positively, instead of negatively. After all, how many of us take the time to rest when having a cold? Many, right? Now, if we’re having a rough day, let’s take a moment to recharge. It’s not easy, this I know. But, I know we can get there.

With that being said, here is something that everyone needs to hear today, and remind themselves all of the time:

You are worth it.
It’s okay to take time out for you.
Self care is not selfish.
It’s okay to admit that you’re struggling.
It’s okay to have feelings, and to cry.
You are worth wonderful things.
Although everything may not seem it, tomorrow will be better.
You are beautiful just the way you are.
You are loved.
You are strong.

For me, putting my mental health first is crucial. Dealing with grief is isolating and confusing, and I know deep down that it is perfectly okay to take moments for myself to mourn, and to show emotion. It’s healthy. And, as long as I do my best, it’s more important than beating myself up for what I didn’t do. In honor of World Mental Health Day, I vow to put my mental health first to create a healthier life. I hope that you all do the same.

Grief and Relationships

Tomorrow is my two-year anniversary with my boyfriend. By far, this is the longest relationship that I’ve ever been in, which is not really a cause for a celebration. The honeymoon phase is long-gone, and my boyfriend and I have settled in a pattern that is comfortable and never boring.

However, since my mom died, my relationship changed. This is probably natural, as I have changed too. Grief is something that consumes me – not enough to prohibit me from still carrying on my daily responsibilities, but enough to handicap me in daily life. I’ve began to pull away from my relationship a bit – something of which I should have expected.

After a while, I began to notice something else. I would scroll on my social media feeds and see people in relationships – people my age – practically writing novels on how much their significant other means to them. Meanwhile, I would be scrolling on Instagram with writer’s block on my feelings. Was there something wrong with me? Did this mean that I didn’t love my boyfriend?

What I didn’t realize was the difference between them and myself. Those friends didn’t lose a parent less than a year ago. I did. I was dealing with grief and trying to create a new normal. That feeling is so overwhelming that sometimes you just want to crawl into a corner and sit in silence with the TV remote.

I bought up these feelings with my therapist yesterday. I confessed that I thought this meant that I didn’t love my boyfriend. Her response? That is was normal, as you try to create the “new normal.” The brain is more focused on trying to rebuild a stable normal that you pull away.

Completely normal.

She also assured me one other thing – the thing that no one sees when you’re scrolling on social media. The arguments, the misunderstandings, and the issues. She said that no one sees that. Furthermore, there is something that is I have never posted – the fact that my world turned upside down, and my partner chose to stand by me. What you don’t see on my social media is how many Starbucks drinks that I’ve ordered from my phone that he picks up for me. Or, the fact that he listens to me, even if I complain about the same thing over and over again.

What you don’t see is that he is there for me. And, I am pretty lucky that he is there for me as I progress through this journey.

Now, grief is something that will change the relationship – as it changes the person who the grief is affecting. I believe that it’s something that will make or break the relationship Going through the motions of grief is isolating. Some people chose to walk away from the person, as their grief is too overwhelming for them. Others choose to stay – those are the ones that grow stronger.

I guess you can say that I am the latter.

When you’re in a relationship, you often feel that you are not alone, or you’re scared to mention it to your partner. Opening up is difficult for me, as I fear that he would think that I’m complaining or not understanding what I’m feeling. However, when you’re in a relationship, you should probably share the feelings that are bottled up inside you. And, I often wonder how could he understand what I am going through? He’s never lost a parent.

The thing that I am constantly wrong about is that he’s understanding even though he doesn’t understand what I am going through.

And, that’s all that truly matters.

So, here’s what I think about grief and relationships. Of course, the partner may never understand what you are going through. But, it’s the little things that they do to get you through and to make daily life easier. It’s the listening to you vent. It’s the asking what can I do to help? It’s about the little things such as making you dinner, or buying you flowers on a bad day. Of course, you can say that about all relationships, but it applies even more during the journey of grief.

Furthermore, it’s the fact that they want to support you, that truly matters the most.

And, you can’t see all that behind a cute caption and a selfie.

But, honestly, I would take these real moments that I don’t capture any day over the ones that I do.

Five Spooky Reads I Hope To Read This October

When October rolls around, I start getting in a spooky mood. I’m talking about Halloween themed movies, pumpkin flavored everything, and apple cider. And of course, my kryptonite, Apple Cider Donuts.

One of the ways that I do this is through reading a ton of spooky reads. Halloween is fast approaching, and one of the ways I do so is read downright creepy books. This year is no exception. So, to celebrate Halloween, I’ve come up with a list of spooky reads I want to read this October.

Carrie by Stephen King
Hocus Pocus and the All New Sequel by A.W. Jantha
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving
The Perfect Stranger by Meghan Miranda
Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

Hopefully, I’ll be able to get through most of these. But, we’ll see. What is your favorite spooky read?

Book of the Month YA: Permanent Record by Mary H.K. Choi

In addition to getting a Book of the Month subscription, I also get a YA Book of the Month. Now, this month, I had a hard time picking out which book to get. It was a cross between Frankly In Love by David Yoon and Permanent Record by Mary H.K. Choi. The reason why I chose this novel was because I read Choi’s other novel, Emergency Contact, and wanted to check out her latest read. (And, side note: I have Frankly In Love on my Kindle to read next).

Summary:

Dating a pop star is every man’s dream. That dream becomes reality for Pablo Rind. When he runs into pop star Leanna Smart, he falls madly in love with her. And, the love becomes mutual.

However, Pablo isn’t exactly the greatest on paper. He is a college dropout and faces thousands and thousands of dollars of credit card debt. At the start of the novel, he is behind on rent and works nights at a deli.

Over the course of the novel, he of course falls madly in love with Leanna – to the point where he neglects all other responsibilities. Of course, that’s the stereotypical love story, isn’t it? Soon, Pablo begins to ignite change.

Review:

I loved this book, and almost cried at the end of it. No, I’m not going to give the ending away. But, I will give you one little hint – the novel doesn’t have the standard Hallmark ending. Which is something that I liked about it.

Social media is a huge part of this book. Pablo constantly posts photos of foods on his Instagram. Many of the characters often discuss it. And, it’s a priority to check it constantly. This shows how Instagram has become a huge priority of millennial culture. Which is true. How many of us – myself included – are checking Instagram throughout the day? How many of us constantly post photos on our stories and on our pages? I mean, I’m guilty of it too. Social media has changed us – our relationships, and how we communicate. It also is a huge time suck. This novel also demonstrates it. And, furthermore, it also shows how one can make a living just by posting.

Now, let’s talk about Pablo. I thought he was kind of an awful character. He was pretty lost at the beginning of the novel. That happens. However, it frustrated me that he didn’t want to do anything about it. It also bothered me how self-centered he was, especially while dating Leanna Smart. His brother was having crisis after crisis and really needed support. Instead of being there for him, Pablo took off to be with Leanna. He also neglected important meetings, and even his job. I almost wanted to jump into the novel and say “get your life together, for heaven’s sake!”

Furthermore, you also get an inside of fame, which isn’t surprising since Leanna was a celebrity. I liked her methodology of dodging paparazzi and the real moments she shared with her grandmother. She also craved privacy in her relationship with Pablo.

This leads me into my next point. I think that Choi did an outstanding job demonstrating the relationship between the two. Leanna often ditched Pablo because of work and left him hanging out in a hotel room. She couldn’t even follow him on Instagram without eyebrows being raised. She did what she could to hide Pablo. However, she treated him to expensive things that he couldn’t afford. All of these things are hallmarks of the celebrity relationship.

With that being said, I did enjoy the novel. What I like about Choi’s writing is that it’s real. It’s about real relationships, and the characters feel real. I mean, many millennials are having to face the issues that Pablo is facing – crippling debt, trying to figure out what to do with the future, etc. This novel feels relatable, which is something that I liked most about it.

Overall, if you see this novel lingering in your local bookstore and you love YA, be sure to pick it up. Trust me, you will love it.

Is Crying a Sign of Weakness?

I got some pretty upsetting news one night this week. As a result, I began to cry. It just happened. It felt natural to cry in that moment. However, during that time I was crying, I was told to stop because it was a sign of weakness.

How can something that feels so natural in the moment be considered to be something that is so criminal?

According to an article on Enlightened Solutions entitled Crying is a Sign Of Strength, Not Weakness, the usual reaction one someone is crying is “ssssh don’t cry.” The article says that what they are actually saying is “stop expressing your emotion through crying, it’s making me uncomfortable,” translating into “your emotions make people uncomfortable.” This is eventually turned into the root of it all, which is “feelings are bad.”

Well, if they are bad, then why do I have them?

How many of us burst into tears after a death, a bad day at work or learning that you didn’t get the job that you were 100 percent certain that you were getting? How many of us apologize after bursting into tears to those around us. My question is, why are they doing it?

In case you didn’t know, we are humans with emotions and the need to express them. Crying is one of the healthy ways to express the emotions, as well as a way to begin the healing process. And, the article says that “high percentages of people feel a relief after crying.”

So, why is it so bad to cry?

Personally, I am always unsure what to do when someone is bursting out in tears in front of me. However, that awkwardness doesn’t mean that I am going to turn around to tell them not to.

Honestly, crying is healthy. It’s saying that I am sad because my boyfriend broke up with me.” It’s saying that I am sad and I am dealing with it. And, that’s okay. Sure, crying make not be the ultimate solution for your problems. It’s not going to make that boy take you back. However, it’s saying I have emotions and I am dealing with them.

So, why are we not celebrating one’s ability to do so?

Maybe it’s because emotions are kind of like periods. Everyone has them, but no one wants to talk about the matter.

Which sucks when you have a lot of emotions that you’re trying to bottle them in.

So, let’s try to develop a healthy relationship with crying. Let’s cry when we feel sad, because that’s okay. And, if someone tells you to stop, instead of bottling it in, go somewhere where you can cry alone without judgement.

Because you are strong for crying. Not weak.

https://www.enlightenedsolutions.com/crying-is-a-sign-of-strength-not-weakness/

Book of the Month: Bringing Down the Duke

I’m not going to lie to you all – I’m not always the biggest fan of historical fiction. Every now and then, I will dabble into it. This month’s Book of the Month pick was one of the first historical fiction novels I read in a while. That novel is Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore, which is the first novel in the League of Extraordinary Women Series. It is Dunmore’s first novel.

Summary:

It is England 1879, and Oxford is at least allowing women to attend classes. Annabelle Archer leaves her cousin’s responsibilities behind to become a student and a suffragist. During one of her outings in the attempts of recruiting men to her side, she finds herself face to face with the Duke of Montgomery. However, the meeting doesn’t go well.

Annabelle falls ill, and is forced to spend her holidays at Sebastian’s castle. The two begin to develop a Mr. Darcy/Elizabeth Bennett style relationship, and soon fall in love. They soon face a predicament that is greater than creating a law – which may change their course forever.

Review:

I loved this book. As I mentioned earlier, the relationship between Annabelle and Sebastian reminded me so much like the relationship between Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. This novel has quite a bit of similarities to that classic. For instance, there are themes of class — and different classes.

However, there is an additional theme of feminism in this book. I mean, the reason why Annabelle met the Duke in the first place was because she was getting support in the attempts to abolish the English Marriage Law of 1870, which was basically a woman losing all of her assets when she got married to her husband. The concept? What’s the husband’s is the wife’s.

It’s kind of crazy to see how things were for women back then and how little rights that they had. I mean, when the novel began, Annabelle was going to Oxford, and was one of the first women to be allowed to attend. To me, that’s crazy. But, the reality is sadly that’s how it was.

With that being said, I want to move on to discuss the relationship between the Duke and Annabelle. In the late 1800s, I get it. It is a completely different time from the way relationships are today. Back then, you have things such as social class and standards thrown in. For instance, if you’re not pure or from a certain social class, you’re deemed as damaged goods. And, if you’re over 20 and divorced, you might as well forget it.

Reading this made me frustrated, but then again, that’s how it was.

You see that a lot in the relationship between Annabelle and the Duke. For a good chunk of the book, the Duke said that he’s unable to be with Annabelle because of who he is expected to marry as a Duke. Which is completely awful, but that’s a sign of the times. He wanted to draw a relationship contract with her, which Annabelle declined (good for you Annabelle).

However, I can’t help but notice that the two have a relationship that mirrors Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett. At the beginning, the two can’t stand each other. Of course, that changes throughout the book. But, seeing that displayed made this book a romance that I could not put down.

Overall, while I am not a huge fan of historical fiction, this novel served up a delicious romance that makes me excited for the sequel.

Books on My To-Read List I Need to Read

My to be read (TBR) pile is insane nowadays. Therefore, as a way to get through them, I am instilling a book buying ban until Black Friday. Here are some books that I hope to get to during that ban.

The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah

The Wedding Date series by Jasmine Guillory

Don’t You Forget About Me by Mhairi McFarlane

Circe by Madeline Miller

American Royals by Katharine McGee

Frankly in Love by David Yoon

Opposite of Always by Justin A. Reynolds

The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman

The Right Swipe by Alisha Rai

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

Mrs. Everything by Jennifer Weiner

Field Notes on Love by Jennifer E. Smith

What is on your reading list?

Eating My Way Around CT: There’s No Question That Koffee? Has Good Coffee

As Lorelei Gilmore once said, “I can’t stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting into the sentence doing.” And, that relates to my relationship with coffee on more levels than one.

And, what I love about coffee is finding a good cup of coffee. This week, I’ve discovered a good place for exactly that. And, it has coffee in the name.

That place is Koffee? This gem is located on the corner of Audubon Street and Whitney Avenue in New Haven.

Now, the vibe in Koffee? screams cozy coffee shop vibe with cozy couches, arm chairs, and tables scattered throughout. It’s the place that you can escape the world with your book for a few minutes curled up with a latte. It is also a great place for you to shut off the world if you have a lot of work to do, whether that may be studying, homework, or even some writing for a blog.

Oh, and the coffee.

Koffee? stands true to the name. Their lattes are some of the best that I’ve ever had. I’ve only had their Nutella latte so far. But, while it’s the only thing that I’ve had on their menu, let me tell you this – it is one of the best lattes that I’ve ever had. You can really taste the Nutella flavor with every delicious sip. And, I’ve had a lot of lattes.

The Nutella latte isn’t the only latte coffee has. They have a Ginger Snap, which is a spiced chai latte, with a dual shot of espresso. And, true to the name, they do have coffee as well.

In addition to the caffeine, you can also get some cold and frozen drinks, known on the menu as “the cold and frozen stuff.” I have yet to try any of these, but looking on the menu makes me eager to try them. This portion of the menu offers Italian soda, iced teas, cold brew coffee and iced coffee. Additionally, they have frozen Nutella and cookie dough espresso drinks as well as lemonade.

Furthermore, they have more than just beverages. They offer an assortment of muffins and scones, bagels and croissants. All of these are perfect to pair with a perfect cup of coffee.

But, the menu expands to be more than just breakfast foods. They have a grand assortment of sandwiches and salads as well.

Finally, Koffee also offers cocktails as well. After 5 p.m., it transforms into Koffee? After Dark. I have yet to experience this, but the website promises that it “turns the lights down, and start serving delicious red and white wines and a handful of carefully selected beers.” It promises to be a “hang-out-and-enjoy-a-drink-and-good-conversation place.”

Interesting. If it’s anything like Koffee? during the day, I can be certain that it will be exactly that.

So, if you’re looking for a good cup of coffee in the New Haven area, it’s as simple as the word coffee. Only it’s spelled with a K.

Appreciate Those Little Moments

This morning, I went to a coffee shop and sat down and read a book.

Now, this is unusual for me to do. However, due to a broken coffee maker, I found myself without coffee and the patience to fiddle with it. So, I took it as an opportunity to check out all of my local coffee shops.

This morning’s choice was a coffee shop around the corner from where I worked.

I bought my book with me, and curled up in a corner with it. And, for about an hour, the world disappeared and I read over 60 pages of my book. I left the coffee shop a half of an hour later feeling completely refreshed. And, I got my caffeine fix. It was a win-win for everyone.

It was then I realized the importance of self-care and taking those little moments for ourselves.

I don’t know about you all, but whenever I am running around like a chicken with its’ head cut off, I often just want to be home with Netflix. Don’t we all? However, what I always forget to even think about was the little moments for ourselves.

Reading in a coffee shop for a half of an hour was one of those little moments.

While I continued on my day, I began to think about it. Instead of focusing on how much I wanted a whole block of time to do what I wanted to do – watching Netflix from the comfort of my house – maybe I should try to block out a half of an hour of ‘me’ time. Like read in a coffee shop.

Chances are, that tiny block helped me clear my mind before the end of the day.

For me, my moment of selfcare was reading in a coffee shop. But, for you, it may be going for a walk. Or, getting a manicure, something my mom treasured. Or, even some yoga.

Whatever it is, let’s make a goal of carving a few seconds of time just for us. When you do, the other hours of the day will go by much faster. You’ll be more present, and attack the challenge with an intense of energy. When I did that, my outlook of the day was much more positive.

All this from a pumpkin spice latte. Can you imagine that?

Let’s Get Back to Living A Physical Life, Not A Digital World

I just finished listening to Nev Shulman’s book, In Real Life: Love, Lies and Identity in the Digital Age. The book talks about Nev’s experience with being a victim of being deceived online, how he struggled with identity and issues throughout his youth, and online behavior.

After reading this novel, I began thinking about my own digital habits. Like most people in their twenties, I own a smart phone and social media accounts. I also have a smart watch, a tablet, a Nook and a Kindle, a laptop, and AirPods. You can say that I am well connected.

In the book, Nev discusses how all of these items that are meant to keep us even more connected turns out to be the very thing that is disconnecting us. How ironic.

But, it’s true.

I mean think about it for a second. Let me ask all of the millennials out there a quick question. When you go somewhere – from out to dinner with friends to a concert to even a vacation – how many of you take out your phone to document it? After all, selfie or it didn’t happen right?

Needless to say, not only you went on vacation, but also your many followers went along for the ride too.

Sure, I am like all of you out there who want to document the moment. However, I noticed the less my phone is out, the better of a time that I have. That’s why I rarely use Snapchat or Instagram story. Instead, I snap a photo of what’s going on, and then put my phone in my pocket.

Wanna know why?

So I can enjoy the moment.

And instead of posting it right then and there, I wait until the next day.

That way, I can focus on the awesome thing in front of me, instead of trying to think of a good caption.

Isn’t that a novelty?

However, what truly bothers me about social media is how focused we are on getting likes. I’m not going to lie – getting a lot of likes on something is awesome. But, why does it matter? Does it give you instant validation to get 100 likes instead of 10?

Sure, it feels great to have people like your stuff. It’s almost as if you won the approval. And, the more that you get, the better off you are.

But, that’s not life. Life isn’t about the amount of followers you have online. It isn’t about the people who like your photos – people who are a mixture of people you know and don’t know in real life. Life is about living in the moment with people who care.

So, why do we put so much energy into winning the approval of people that you don’t even know?

Well, maybe it’s like high school all over again. Remember back when you were in high school, you focused on creating a lot of friends, versus the quality of friends that you have. Maybe social media is similar to the high school hallways, and we are the constantly just wanting to have the cheerleaders voice their approval on us.

But, like many of you, high school was ten years ago.

So, here’s what I propose.

One, let’s focus less on our online presence and more on the life we lead in our real life. Instead of snapping during the concert, post a photo or two after the fact. That way, you can focus on enjoying the concert, instead of documenting every single second. The same goes with vacations, girl’s nights, etc. Just take a couple of photos, and focus on the moment. Chances are, you’ll have more fun.

Two, let’s remind ourselves that we are not a number. We are human. We measure ourselves on so much – income, education, etc. – that we shouldn’t add the number of likes and followers we have matter in measuring how much our self-worth is.

Finally, let’s learn to love ourselves. I know that’s a little bit more far-fetched and out of context, but the more that we learn to love us, the less likely that these things will matter.

And, the happier that we will be.

So, I conclude this with one final message: get off your phone