Ignore The Numbers

When it comes to your body, it seems that everything is measured in numbers – how much you weigh, how many calories you burn or consume, and what your pants size is. By using numbers as a method of comparison, it is easy for those to compare their numbers to others.

There is so much self-hatred when it comes to our bodies. When a friend says “oh, I’m fat, because I haven’t hit the gym in a while,” we are quick to contradict them. When we are in the mirror, we begin to notice our own faults, and tell ourselves that we need to hit the ice cream parlor less, and the gym more. Every single bulge and imperfection is something that should be taken care of.

I think we need to translate the words that we tell our friends into a language that we speak to ourselves. Our bodies aren’t perfect. If each and every one of us had a perfect body, then we would be the same.

So, my question is this: Why are we trying to mold ourselves into perfection? Instead, we should fall head over heels in love with the person that we are versus the person we think we should be. We should fall in love with being healthy and treating ourselves correctly, versus beating ourselves up for every single calorie that we didn’t burn at the gym or getting fries instead of a salad with a meal just that once.

Bodies come in all shapes in sizes, and that’s okay. I think as long as we eat everything in moderation, and exercise regularly, than that’s all that matters. If you want to lose weight, do it for your health — not because you want to fit in a size zero.

Instead, focus on how you feel – not on the sizes and the numbers. Eat a cupcake, run a mile – do whatever you need to do to feel both happy and healthy. And remember this: you are wonderful, no matter what size you are. Learn to love who you are, and what you look like. Why? Because you are pretty damn beautiful. And don’t you forget it.

Why I Refuse To Be A Victim

Raise your hands if you’ve ever been broken up with or suffered the cruel effects of heartbreak. Okay, now keep them up if you met someone new, but still nursed the effects of a broken heart – and, as a result, caused you to keep them at a safe distance away.

Relationships – and life in general – can deal you a bad hand on occasion. Sometimes, you are dealt with something like a bad breakup, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, physical health issues, and so on. These circumstances can cause you to claim one specific title – the victim.

You see, there are two types of people in any given situation – the people who do something to hurt or offend the other and the person who gets hurt. With that being said, there are plenty of situations where this doesn’t apply such as anxiety or depression.

When going through something traumatic no matter what it may be, you have to stop what you are doing to tend to those wounds, both physical and mental. Otherwise, it will build up to a boulder that can knock you down permanently. But, once the feelings have been felt and the scars begin to fade, the title of the victim should as well. It’s not easy, but with persistence and a few stumbles, eventually you’ll be as good as new.

I know so many people – myself included – that keep perfectly nice people at bay because they are afraid of what happened to them occurring again. Eventually, though, you’ve got to stop playing the victim. You have got to stop letting the scars and minor pain from long ago cloud how you approach current situations.

Today, I am going to do just that. Sure, I have had my share of pain, broken hearts, and shitty situations. But, I am no longer interested in using it as a shield to keep love from pouring in. Instead, I am ready to drop that title, and make it less significant. I want to let that love that I so rightfully deserve into my life and heart. Yes, I have anxiety about it (both literally as a person with anxiety and having anxiety about doing so), but allowing myself to run away from a situation simply because I am not ready to let love in due to fear is no longer an option.

So, I am not a victim. I no longer will allow myself to hide behind the title’s crown. Instead, I am a survivor. And, I am not going to let anything – my past, my anxiety, or anything else for that matter – get in my way. Why? Because, I deserve it. I deserve to feel love, and playing the victim won’t get me there.

And so, let’s try to stumble out from what hurt us and look at the world with fresh eyes. By allowing it to keep us down only does one thing — let it win. And, screw it, I deserve to win. Not my broken heart. Not the person who caused it. Not my anxiety. Nothing will get in my way from being happy.

The Little Things

This past weekend had some of the nicest weather that we’ve seen in a while. I’m talking about the sun finally coming out of hibernation, and for the first time, it truly felt like spring.

While I was sipping on my Starbucks Pink Drink (for those of you who want to know what exactly the pink drink contains, it’s basically a Strawberry refresher with coconut milk – I highly recommend), I began to think about something. Some call this stopping and smelling the roses.

There are only x amount of nice weather days a year. There are only about 180 days of spring and summer weather – days where the sun emerges for the first time and you can go outside without having to wearing a parka and gloves. With that being said, we must take advantage of every day where the sun is shining and the weather is above 60 degrees. Because, these seasons only are allotted this amount of time. Therefore, you can’t take it fore granted.

17798991_10212720772242569_1477292544269679095_n
A picture I’ve taken while taking a walk through East Rock Park — a great way to enjoy the warm spring weather! 
That same thing applies to life. How often do we think about the bigger picture, practically worrying about something ending or going wrong, or about something that we don’t know if we have a cause to worry about? How often do we do that, and then forget to enjoy the little moments of everything? The sweet taste of the Starbucks latte that you are enjoying, the taste of the lips of the person that you’re kissing, or the sunshine on a wonderful spring day. Those are the moments that you often lose sight of, because you are worrying about your finals, not finding a job, or the relationship ending.

It’s safe to say that my Starbucks drink had come with a side of insight.

So, on this wonderful Monday (yes, an oxymoron, but Mondays could in fact be wonderful), I challenge you to enjoy every sip of your morning coffee. I encourage you to take a moment and enjoy the rays of the spring season. I encourage you to think about the day, and not about the future. I encourage you to think about the date you’re having, and not worrying whether or not the relationship will last. I myself am guilty of some of these things, but I am going to do my best to make sure that I enjoy the little delights of life. And, perhaps, this will translate to the larger areas of my life, which in turn allows me to be present for today.

Lent Update 3

I can’t believe there’s is only ten days left of Lent. I also can’t believe that other then one cheat day that I actually stuck with the whole not buying books thing for 40 days. For a bookworm like me, that is actually quite impressive.

Of course, I’ve been tempted. I’ve been getting so many coupons from Barnes and Noble that are all just screaming for me to buy the latest and greatest in YA. Whenever I get those coupons, I delete them promptly to avoid further temptation. Then, of course, whenever I go to the grocery store, I can’t help but browse the best sellers – only to leave them behind when I remember that I still have a few more weeks until I could replenish my library with some fresh books.

Not buying books has had one benefit – I get to finally read books that have been sitting on my shelf for who knows how long. Since starting this little challenge, I’ve read about six books. I also decided that I didn’t want to keep two of them, creating room on my shelf for books that I might actually want, and fell in love with the other four.

Now that there’s only ten days left in Lent, I have about four or five books that I have yet to read, but want to. The other day, I actually went to my bookcase and took inventory of everything that I had read and have not read. The grand total? Three books, which are A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar, Beloved by Toni Morrison, and Home to Italy by Peter Pezzeli. I hope that by the time Lent is over I can get that total down a few more books, but we’ll see.

17798937_390066024711174_8983449451124613092_n
The Magnolia Story — featuring a delicious coffee and scone! 

I am currently reading The Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines. The book was actually a Christmas gift that I had given my mother last year, and she finally got around to reading. While waiting in line to pay for the book, I began to read part of it, and fell in love. Now that she finished reading it, I decided to pick it up myself. After that, I plan to read Home to Italy, The 5th Wave, or Fairest. We’ll see.

Now that I can see the finish line, I am figuring out what I should do to celebrate my victory. The best solution that I could think of was to pay a visit to the Second Hand Prose Bookstore – a bookstore located in the Miller Library in Hamden, CT. I love that bookstore for two reasons. The first is that everything is so reasonably priced – the most that I pay for a book is about $2. The second is that the proceeds benefit library programs. How awesome is that!

It is likely that the next time that I update you all on my progress will be when Lent is over. Crazy how time flies isn’t it?

Read: The Bermudez Triangle, Queen of Shadows, Charlotte’s Web, Career of Evil, Audrey Wait!, Beautiful Creatures, and Between the Lines.

Currently Reading: The Magnolia Story

Up Next: Fairest, The 5th Wave, or Home to Italy.

Attracting Positive Vibes

In life, there are some people who just seem to be negative, and weigh you down instead of lifting you up. Those are the people who often spend their time looking at the glass being half full instead of empty, using the social media as a blank canvas for their complaints, and insert negativity into the world rather than positivity.

I’ve had friends who are like that. Every time that I would go out with them, I would feel ten pounds heavier after. These are the friends who are the drama queens, the ones who get more out of life by trashing others behind their backs. When I was in upper high school and lower college, I would find it amusing. Then, as I began to fall into the rabbit role of the effects of anxiety, I began to see them clearly. Instead of finding my outings with those friends to be amusing, I began to dread them in the way you would a dentist appointment. I then realized that it was because of how I left every encounter, every coffee date, and every shopping trip. Therefore, I realized it was time to leave those friends behind.

Positivity Attracts Positivity

Someone, maybe my therapist or Buddha I can’t remember, once said positivity attracts positivity. I believe that is true. By cutting the negative people out of my life, I am realizing that I am left with one thing – positive vibes.

By cutting the negative people out of my life, I soon evolved into an entirely different person. I became happier, and looked to enjoy the positive things in my life. You see, by hanging out with people who are negative, you become negative. By surrounding yourself with positivity, you become positive. It’s not rocket science. It’s just simple.

However, how can we become more positive beings? Leaving the friends who are negative influences is only one way. But, there is so much more you can do. You can look at the bright side of things, even when there is pouring rain outside and everything is wrong. You can learn to treat yourself well, by spending time alone in libraries and cafes. You can make time to do things that you love, such as reading books or magazines in subjects that interest you, doing crafts, and doing the things that make you smile. That way, you too can become more positive. It’s that easy.

And the more that you fall in love with your life, the less negative you’ll become, which will spread to those who you are surround yourself with.

So, yes Mondays pretty much suck. However, they don’t have to be. Start by looking at the positive in every situation. I can guarantee that you’ll find happiness in it.

The Art of Being Present

Last week, I visited my college campus to pick up my diploma (long story, but my original one was damaged in the mail). And, it got me thinking.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my time at Southern. When I was in college all I could think was oh, how I can’t wait to graduate. I pictured my post grad life to be heavenly: I would be working only one job, as opposed to three, where I would be making a decent amount of money. No classes, no online internships, no many part time jobs. And it will be great.

Oh, how I was wrong. For the past few months, all I craved was a chance to go onto my campus and do college all over again. I missed it all. I missed knowing what to do, and what my role as a student was. I miss meeting friends, and hanging out with them. I miss taking classes, believe it or not, especially with those who shared the same passions for English and journalism that I had.

A year ago, if I had told you that I would miss college, then I would have thought that you were off your rocker.

Upon reflecting on this, I realized something. In both instances, I am not present. When I was in college, all I wanted to do was graduate. Now that I am in college, all I want to do is go buy a super expensive textbook. And, while I am wishing that I was somewhere else in time, I am not enjoying the cheap thrills of today.

With that, I am realizing something. I am not happy looking ahead or behind. I am ignoring the simple thrills of today, and am not savoring the sweetness of everyday life.

One of my goals is to be more present. You hear that everywhere — in self help books, or in any article about anxiety. But, what does that mean? 

I don’t know what the Webster definition of it is, but I’ll tell you mine. For me being present consists of enjoying the daily luxuries, such as great lattes, taking advantage of the sun’s rays when it’s nice outside, and cuddle sessions with my dog.

By enjoying the little things and savoring them, I think it’s one of the ingredients in the recipe for happiness. After all, anxiety occurs when you are looking too far ahead into the future, and depression occurs when you are living solely in the past. Therefore, by living in the present, by being present, one can somehow be on the road to happiness.

Too Much?

When it comes to dating, I am the type of woman that knows what she wants. I also am the type of women that does not take any crap from anyone — whether it may be a friend who is upsetting or annoying me, a guy that won’t leave me alone, or a guy that uses cheesy pick up lines in the hopes that will make me weak in the knees.

Lately, I’ve been on a bit of an online dating kick. When I talk to guys, I don’t put on a facade or pretend that I am someone I’m not. Instead, I am sarcastic and witty. I also am not afraid to go after whatever it is I want, and sure as will send the first message. Why? Because rules are stupid, and if I want to talk to someone, I will. And, if someone is trying to use some cheesy line on me, that sure as hell ain’t gonna happen either.

For some guys, it can be a bit of a turn off. That is a complete and total mystery if you ask me. I can not tell you how many times a guy has unmatched me because I saw right through the cheesy pick up line, made a clear attempt to get to know him or because I clearly stated what I want.

Well, I am so sorry for not falling for that cheesy line you’ve used for every girl on the app that you match with. I am so sorry for knowing what I want, and for not being afraid to ask for it. I am sorry for not falling all over you, and losing my dignity because I want to date you. 

As a woman in the dating world — or looking for love — I am tired of feeling as if I have to be submissive to someone else. Yes, I can be too much. Sometimes, it can be too much to handle. However, if a guy is turned off by a strong, smart mouthed woman, who knows what she wants, then he is not the guy I want to date.

Plain and simple.

Anxiety and Booze: Why I Won’t Meet You For Drinks

I am 22 years old, a college graduate, and I’ve never been drunk or set foot in a bar. At parties, instead of drinking the punch, my red solo cups are filled with ginger ale or water. And no, it’s not because I am super religious or super innocent. It’s not that I am judgmental or a prude. It’s because I have anxiety.

Anxiety and booze don’t mix. I know many people who have anxiety or depression and have used drugs or alcohol as a crutch to get through their rough time. According to an article from Healthline, anxiety can worsen symptoms, and those who have anxiety can develop a dependence on it.

I was diagnosed with anxiety officially a year and a half ago – however, I’ve been in therapy for the effects of chronic stress and anxiety for almost two years. And since then, I haven’t touched a drink.

It wasn’t much of a loss, because I wasn’t much of a drinker to begin with. However, when you’re the only one of your friends not getting a beer with dinner, why I don’t go out for drinks with the cute guy I matched with on Tinder, or the only one at the party who doesn’t take anything from the punchbowl, it can cause some to wonder why isn’t Natalie having a cocktail like the rest of us?

Not drinking was a choice that I had to make, and I believe that it was the right one for me to make. Anxiety has impacted my life in so many different ways, and this is one of them.
However, often with choices that are abnormal, there are people that do not respect them. I have had people say to me it’s only one drink, what’s the big deal? It’s important to me, and it’s my decision. Just like I respect that you are spending all of your time and money at the bar. Plus, by me not drinking, I can be your designated driver.

I don’t know if I will ever get a chance to drink more than the Seagrams I had right before being diagnosed with anxiety, and the champagne glass I shared with my ex-boyfriend to celebrate my 22nd birthday. Some days, I think I feel like I am ready to have a drink. Other days, I still feel like I am not there yet. One day, I will get there.

Learning to Forgive

In my 22 years on this planet, I’ve had my share of hurt feelings and wrongdoings — broken hearts caused by my few exboyfriends, friends who thought it was okay to talk behind my back, and so on. You know, all of the drama that you would see on a reality show.

Lately, I’ve been thinking of the concept of forgiving those who have hurt me, and the proper way to express hurt feelings. When we were little, forgiveness was similar to slapping a Band-aid on a cut. You would hurt someone’s feelings, and an ‘I’m sorry’ would be the instant way to heal the damage. Now that I am well past my playground days, forgiveness, like everything else that comes with adulthood, has an extra layer of complication to it.

But, why is that? Why is it so hard to forgive?

Let me just say this — forgiveness is hard! How do you forgive your ex for cheating on you and breaking your heart when you still are licking your wounds? How do you forgive your friend for saying awful things about you behind your back, when you still aren’t speaking to your friend as a result? It’s not easy, and it’s okay to express that you are hurt.

But, eventually, you’ve got to move on. Enter, forgiveness. Otherwise, you’ll be holding onto the awful thing that happened to you for dear life, and carry it with you everywhere you go. My, that’s a lot of baggage.

I know forgiveness is challenging. I struggle with it, but I try to forgive those who hurt me, because I don’t want it to define me. I don’t want to be known as someone who is bitter about something, I want to be positive about what happened. And, of course, move on from it a stronger being.

So, the take home message here? Forgive. Forgive those who said they were sorry. Forgive those who didn’t. Forgive not for them, but for you. It’s not easy to do that, especially with relationships that ended abruptly. However, it can be done.

At the end of the day, forgiveness is the separation between the past and the present. By forgiving, you are allowing yourself to move forward. So, forgive for goodness’ sakes!

Lent Update 2 — Cheat Day

Sixteen days in, and I cracked. Okay, well cracked is a bit harsh. So, let’s call it a cheat day. With that being said, I had a good reason. I swear!

Let me paint the scene for you. Last Friday, after a week of bed rest, drinking a terrible concoction (a.k.a. Pedia Lyte), and terrible stomach illnesses, I felt like I was due to treat myself. Since I had been confined to my bed for the past week, I tore through some of books just because I didn’t have anything else to do, and I’m not a huge fan of Netflix. Furthermore, when I was finally able to move around a bit, I began to clean out my bookshelves, and ended up getting rid of nine books to bring to the local bookstore to get some extra trade cash. Not bad, huh?

On the way there, I got to thinking. I knew that I had given up purchasing books for Lent. But, given the circumstances, I felt that I could afford to get just one book. After all, I deserved to treat myself. After all, if you can eat meat on Saint Patrick’s Day, I can surely buy one book. Right?

After trading in my books (I got over $25 in store credit — yay!), I noticed that there were some signs advertising a sale. I then asked the owner about it, who said that if there was a duplicate of the book on the shelf, then it would be an extra 35 percent off. That, on top of store credit (the credit uses 50 percent off of the books), it seemed like a good deal.

17352257_381022392282204_8256532397510215287_n
$6.60 for all of these? What a deal! 

Now, you know how I said that I would only get one book? I ended up getting three — Career of Evil by Robert Gailbreth, A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, and Fairest by Marissa Meyer. The price for those books without the discounts? Well over $30. However, I only paid $6.60.

Not bad, huh?

I thought so.

After I got home, uplifted by my purchases, I talked to one of my friends. Their parents were ministers, and they said that it was okay to have whatever you gave up for Lent on Sundays, and it wouldn’t matter, since it was a mini-Easter. However, instead of doing that on a Sunday (because let’s face it, I’ll be going to Barnes and Noble nearly every Sunday. Not really effective), I would allow myself one cheat day before Easter. By doing that, I felt okay in my little shopping spree.

Now that I have a few more books, it’s safe to say that I won’t be stepping foot into a bookstore until Easter.

Finally, here’s an update of the books I’ve been reading since Lent.

Read: Queen of Shadows, Charlotte’s Web, and the Bermudez Triangle 

Currently reading: Career of Evil

Up next: I’m not sure yet. Either Beautiful Creatures, Wuthering Heights, or Audrey Wait!