Yesterday, I went to see my mother at her grave to bring her a Christmas plant. I think I cried during the entire visit, because it really hit me that she was gone.
One of the things that I love about the blog is that I can use it as a platform to talk about my grief. Therefore, I wanted to write something to my mom in heaven.
This is the first Christmas without you. I think I took you and the holidays with you for granted. I thought that I was allotted at least 50. If someone had told me last year that it was our last Christmas together, I wouldn’t have believed them. Maybe if I had known, then I would have spent more time with you or savored every moment.
I wish more than anything for one more Christmas morning with you. I wish that we can make Pillsbury cinnamon buns together and eat them while opening presents. I wish that we can put the tree together with the beads that took you a million tries to put up. As Christmas grows closer and closer, it gets harder and harder as memories of past holidays come up.
This Christmas, I am trying to go through the motions but my heart is not even there. I decorated my very first Christmas tree on my own. I sent out holiday cards, and have a pile of gifts that are ready to be wrapped. However, I did notice that there wasn’t any gifts for you. I didn’t go to Barnes and Noble to buy you a Cape Light book. I didn’t hound TJ Maxx to get you a bracelet or a pair of earrings. And, I didn’t shop at Bath and Body works to buy you a half of a dozen hand soaps. And, when it comes time to wrap those gifts, I will be doing them on my own.
This time of year makes me miss you every single moment. I keep on wondering what would you do if you were here. Would things be this way? I want your opinion, and every time I go to your grave for guidance, I am greeted with eerie silence. I tell you stuff, but it feels like it’s a one sided conversation.
I hope that wherever you are, I hope that you have a good Christmas. I hope that you are with Grandpa, the dogs that you had to say goodbye to, and the many other members of your family that have gone before you. I also hope that you are looking down on me, and Grandma.
Merry Christmas, Mom. I miss you and every day it hurts.