One of the hardest things that I continue to struggle with is giving myself the credit I deserve and giving myself the pat on the back for the progress I’ve made. Instead, I dwell on the fact that I am not where I want to be.

I recently was in this phase. As many of you know, I am in the process of learning to save money, lose weight, and declutter. I am not going to become a minimalist, nor do I believe that I ever will become one. But, I have learned to budget and increased my savings dramatically then I have in years prior. I’m working out and building muscle, and starting to see improvements in my endurance and my health.

But, what am I doing instead of applauding myself? I’m looking at everything that I’ve done wrong because I’m not where I want to be. I am hard on myself for everything that I have yet to learn than everything that I have learned.

There is a saying that says progress over perfection, and that is something that I am learning that I need to focus on more and more. Why is that we focus on the things we didn’t do and the things that we did wrong versus the baby steps and progress in the right direction?

Maybe it’s the way that we are programmed. Maybe it’s the content consumed on social media — you know when you see someone who is doing that much better than you, or someone who seems to have it all together.

So, why can’t I change it?

The answer is that it was something programmed in me — whether it’s something attributed to nature to something attributed to nurture. And, when something is programmed in me, it can take a while for me to develop a new mindset.

And, that’s ok. But, in this process of learning to love and accept myself, I am learning to celebrate my wins and celebrate the things I did do versus didn’t. I am learning to forgive myself for the things I didn’t know, and to give myself the love that I need to grow into the person I want to be.

I am learning to look forward.

TGIF everyone! I am so excited to share this week’s favorites, which in reality is two television shows that I decided to start two shows at the same time, while already binge watching two other shows. So, yeah I have been watching a lot of TV shows, and that’s perfectly fine.

Other than that, I hope to have a relaxing weekend binging more of these shows and hopefully start some new ones, because your girl is good at starting shows but not finishing them. That said, here are some of my favorites for the week.

Firefly Lane: I finally started this show, everyone! If you don’t know, I read this book last month and really enjoyed it, so I couldn’t wait to watch the series. Let me tell you — the show is so different than the book. I must admit that I did not read the second one yet, but I already can see the differences. That said, the show is pretty good, and I am hoping that they come out with a second season.

The Mandalorian: Finally, I began the Mandalorian and I am so happy that I did. Yes I only watched two episodes but I already know I will be binging it throughout the weekend.

Our Lips Are Sealed Top: I bought this top during a trip to Tickled Pink over the weekend and am so obsessed with it. I wear a lot of leggings, so this is something that would go great with those. I loved this too so much that I ended up grabbing it in the black as well.

SV Decker Chunky Heart Hoops: I have had my eye on these earrings for a while and I just recently added these to my collection. I am so glad that I did because I am obsessed with them. They are very lightweight, comfortable to wear, and do not get snagged in your mask. All of which as great wins for me.

Bala Bangles: I bought these to use with my stairstepper and I am so glad that I did. They are one pound weights that you can strap to your ankles or wrists. I personally used them as ankle weights and I really love them because it makes my stair stepper workout a bit more challenging and tones my legs in the process.

It’s the start of a new month, so that means that it’s time to share all of the books that I’ve read during the month of April. During the month of April, I managed to read 7 books, and a good portion of Ruin and Rising by Leigh Bardugo. I also managed to find a few books that I absolutely loved and knock off a few books that have been on my TBR for years. This month, I am hoping to read some thrillers and romance because I need a break from fantasy.

That said, here are all of the books that I read during the month of April:

The Unraveling of Cassidy Holmes by Elissa Sloan: This was definitely one of my favorites that I read for the month. This book begins with Cassidy Holmes, the singer of girl group Gloss whose fame and popularity in the early 2000s, commits suicide. The book is multiple perspective — from Cassidy’s to the other members of the group’s. I really enjoyed reading this, and could not put this down. Four out of Five Stars.

When We Collided by Emery Lord: This is my third Emery Lord book, and was something that I have been wanted to read for a while. This book has our main character Vivi, who has bipolar disorder. Vivi and her mom move to a small town, where she meets Jonah. Jonah is dealing with the loss of his dad, and a mom who is depressed. The novel tells their love story, and offers a beautiful take on the relationships of mental health. Five out of Five Stars

Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams: This book is deemed as the modern-day Bridget Jones’ Diary. It talks about Queen Jenkins, who is struggling with her mental health. She just broke up with her boyfriend Tom, and the novel discusses her journey for recovery with that and other traumas in her life. Four out of Five Stars

You Should See Me In A Crown by Leah Johnson: Liz Lighty has a plan to get out of her small Indiana town. Become Prom Queen for the scholarship. She, along with her friends enter the campaign. However, in true high school fashion, nothing is as expected during prom night. This was such a cute read, and I really enjoyed reading it. There is a lot of queer representation in this novel, which I really enjoyed as well. Five out of Five Stars

Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah: This is one of my favorite reads of the month as well. This tells the store of Kate and Tully, who meet on Firefly Lane in 1974. The two become best friends from their childhood days through adulthood. I absolutely loved this story to the point where when I reached the ending, I was in tears. I think I also finished this book in about two days, which is rare for me. Now that I read the book, I definitely want to watch the Netflix series. Five out of Five Stars

Shadow of Bone/Siege and Storm by Leigh Bardugo: This is the first and second novels of the Shadow and Bone trilogy. Yes, this is also so I can watch the show as well. This tells the story of Alina, who was orphaned. She was never good at anything and was content at being a mapmaker. She is taken to the Grisha court, and learns why she is different. I read the first and second ones this month, and while I enjoyed them, I thought that they were severally overrated. Both I gave five out of five stars.

The Boy Most Likely To by Huntley Fitzpatrick: I have been wanting to read this for years, but never got around it for whatever reason. I loved My Life Next Door, and I loved following Tim Mason’s story. While I enjoyed this book, it wasn’t as good as My Life Next Door. I loved the relationship and the drama that the book had. I gave this book four out of five stars.

Happy Friday everyone! Originally, I thought I would just take a blogging break for the week since I have been feeling under the weather. It’s nothing crazy – I just hurt my back last week, and I have been taking it easy. However, I decided to just take a moment to share this week’s favorites since it is one of my favorite posts to write.

Peloton App: I had the Peloton app last year during the first part of COVID when nothing was open. Once my trial ended, I cancelled it. My Apple Fitness Plus membership was soon ending, so I decided to try Peloton to pair with my bike. I also cancelled Jazzercise, since I have not been using it as well. So far, I am really enjoying the app. It’s only $13 a month, but comes with so much – so much more than the cycling classes! I have been doing the meditation and the strength workouts, and I am really enjoying them both. I also want to make it clear that you do not need a Peloton bike to enjoy the app. All you need is a spin bike. I think it’s more cost effective to do it this way, because you get the Peloton experience without the price tag.

Little Words Project Bracelets: I’ve been wearing this (and hoarding them) for about a year now, and I am obsessed with these bracelets. If you are not familiar with the brand, basically the bracelets are beaded crystal bracelets with a positive message on them. I have been adding new ones to my collection and have been obsessed. Some of my favorites are: self-love, breathe, just relax, and manifest. Many of the ones that I have are from past collections, but I will link all of the ones still available. These also make excellent Mother’s Day gifts, for the mom in your life.

The Sopranos: I took a little bit of a break from the Sopranos. However, now I am in full binge mode. I am at the end of the fourth season, and I have been watching 2-3 episodes a day. Yeah, I am that obsessed.

Teleties: I picked these up from Tickled Pink recently, and I am obsessed. I wear my hair up all of the time, and I am a huge fan of the Silk hair ties. However, I love these just as much as the Silk ones. They hold my hair really well, and they come in so many fun colors.

Blessing Bracelets: Your girl loves bracelets. I purchased this Blessing bracelet from the Tickled Pink online shop as well, and I am already going to grab at least one more. I love the concept of this. There are four beads on the bracelet, and each bead stands as a reminder of a blessing. I have the amethyst one, which I stack with my Little Words Project bracelets and my T. Jazelle ones.

I thought there was nothing worse than the initial pain and shock when you lose a parent. It feels almost as if your heart can’t break any further than it already has, and you can never escape from it. Until you eventually start to heal. And then holidays come around, and all of a sudden, you are back where you first started.

Mother’s Day this year seems like the hardest day for me. This isn’t the first one that I’ve had to celebrate without my mother, but this one has been hard because it’s more real that she is not here. The first one was spent as a distraction, the second was when the lockdown was in full swing, and now, it’s real. While my boyfriend is thinking about buying a gift for his mom at the Paper Store or on Amazon, all I can think about is the fact that all I will buy my mother is a bouquet of flowers that is left on her gravestone. And right now, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

The truth is — I just miss her. And, I have come to accept that I will for the rest of my life. I have come to accept that my mom will never meet her grandkids — even her furry one that she would love. I have come to accept that my mom will never get that rightful desire to walk down the aisle with me on my wedding day. It really sucks if you ask me.

I know that I am not the only child without a mother on Mother’s Day and not the only person in the world who is suffering from loss. However, I am tired of keeping everything bottled inside, which is why I decided to write this post in the first place. I wish it was more normalized to feel this way about grieving, and although in recent years, more things have become more open about mental illness, I feel it’s the hardest thing to open about. I am lucky enough to have a few people that I know to support me, but even then, I still feel alone.

So, happy Mother’s Day to those out there whose mother is up in heaving looking down on them who is reading this. I have no way to express my sorrow other than to say that I am sorry, and I hope that you take extra care of yourself on that day.