I thought there was nothing worse than the initial pain and shock when you lose a parent. It feels almost as if your heart can’t break any further than it already has, and you can never escape from it. Until you eventually start to heal. And then holidays come around, and all of a sudden, you are back where you first started.
Mother’s Day this year seems like the hardest day for me. This isn’t the first one that I’ve had to celebrate without my mother, but this one has been hard because it’s more real that she is not here. The first one was spent as a distraction, the second was when the lockdown was in full swing, and now, it’s real. While my boyfriend is thinking about buying a gift for his mom at the Paper Store or on Amazon, all I can think about is the fact that all I will buy my mother is a bouquet of flowers that is left on her gravestone. And right now, it’s a hard pill to swallow.
The truth is — I just miss her. And, I have come to accept that I will for the rest of my life. I have come to accept that my mom will never meet her grandkids — even her furry one that she would love. I have come to accept that my mom will never get that rightful desire to walk down the aisle with me on my wedding day. It really sucks if you ask me.
I know that I am not the only child without a mother on Mother’s Day and not the only person in the world who is suffering from loss. However, I am tired of keeping everything bottled inside, which is why I decided to write this post in the first place. I wish it was more normalized to feel this way about grieving, and although in recent years, more things have become more open about mental illness, I feel it’s the hardest thing to open about. I am lucky enough to have a few people that I know to support me, but even then, I still feel alone.
So, happy Mother’s Day to those out there whose mother is up in heaving looking down on them who is reading this. I have no way to express my sorrow other than to say that I am sorry, and I hope that you take extra care of yourself on that day.