Grief Has No Timeline

When my mom first passed away, someone will said that you will never get over her death, but you will learn to live with it. At first, it was something that I just brushed off, because it was the week after she died. As time went on, I realized that she was right.

Last Sunday was my mom’s 59th birthday. This was the second birthday that I will not be spending with her. And, it still stings. It doesn’t matter that it is my second one without her there. It still serves as a vivid reminder that she is no longer with us.

I know that I am not the only one that grieves the loss of a loved one. I know so many people that have lost mothers. Or people who have lost fathers, sisters, brothers, etc. In the instance of my mom, I know that my grandmother misses her daughter every day. I miss her every day. My uncle, her nephews, niece and friends miss her as well.

But, grief can be isolating. For me, it truly comes in waves. All of last year, I focused on getting through it all – her birthday, the holidays, her funeral, etc. This year, it’s different. Now that life has slowed down in a more positive direction, I’ve had more time to think about how much it hurts that my mom is no longer with us. When I got my full-time job, all I wanted to do was take my mom out for dinner, just like I did three years ago when I got my first one.

So, that person who told me that was absolutely right. I’ll never get over it.

One of the things I hate about grieving is the simple fact that I am expected to. And, I agree there is a time when you need to come into acceptance that it happened. But, it never will not hurt. I will never apologize for grieving my mom, because I am allowed to. I lost my mom suddenly at 24. There are so many moments – both good and bad – that she will miss. I’ve come to realize that it will be a part of me, and I am allowed to feel whichever way I want to no matter what the time frame will be. I am not going to apologize for feeling my emotions. It is perfectly healthy to do so.

The perception of grief is that it goes through stages, and that many people out there don’t know what to say or do when someone in their life is grieving. My answer is this: let them grieve and feel. Many
times I have held my grief in for the simple fact I was worried that it would make someone uncomfortable. I mean, I get it. What else can you say when someone is upset about their loved one being gone?

No matter what the time frame is, grief will be a part of my life. And, sometimes that means I might not want to be around people.

Sometimes, that may mean that I need to take care of myself before I help someone else is. And, that is perfectly fine. I think the biggest takeaway with dealing with the loss of my mother is learning that it is okay not to be okay, and it is okay to express that to those around me.

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